Marin Geller

Therapist (Dr Keithe) says to keep running journal of treatments, reactions, flare-ups, etc., note as happen and/or at end of each day (and take care not to let documentation of obsessive thoughts become obsessive itself (I told her saying this improved probability that it would, she said this reaction was her intention, to provoke me)), this will help with analysis, seeing progress, where to go next, etc.

Bad day today. Don’t want to write why. Will make more real.

Keithe says must continue with practice despite internal resistance. Says keeping thoughts here will help ground in real world. Also says may help me recognize some thoughts as ridiculous, once am forced to articulate them, etc. Says even act of recognizing can help change pattern. Very dubious. In fact think expanding on ruminations in this way could make them more real. But, suppose will be funny if/when finally overcome this, to look back on notes and think “wow, what a bumbling idiot you were, former Marvin.”

Today was fine. Girl wearing loud red sweater in Regenstein Library chewing gum very loudly and in inconsistent pattern. Did not say anything, resisted explosion, settled on mere glare from across length of Reading Room. Tried to write The Paper but was distracted so ended up doing organizational tasks, etc. Not actual thinking, but Keithe says need to learn OK to not be successful in getting into flow all of time.

Bad day. Tried thinking without clenching jaw or giving into obsessive habits. Failed, gave in to urge. Felt I needed to for sake of thinking clearly about The Paper. Must achieve state of philosophical clarity to get closer to meaning of truth (big thing, yes, but am devoted), and must clench face/jaw to think in way that achieves philosophical clarity, therefore must clench to do anything philosophically/intellectually meaningful at all/get nearer truth.

Called Molly to talk about difficulty thinking and anger at self for struggling in this way and to say out loud to someone I trust that I am genuinely scared. Said scared to return to ward, made other jokes, as normally do. Molly says jokes about psych ward and mental illness, etc., not funny. Says finds very concerning, and that if she were in “precarious” position such as mine, I wouldn’t want to hear her psychological struggle reduced to jest. Said I would, in fact would appreciate a lot. Molly said I wouldn’t. In any case, will try to be more mindful of her feelings and fact that she is scared for me.

Had family Zoom call today to discuss one of Dad’s business ventures, for some reason requires children to sign something, apparently will be sent to us soon but wanted to get us on call to explain. Jackson made joke I didn’t understand though suspected was about me, and when I asked about it he and other brothers laughed and said you’ll get it one day, little bro. Confused, as I am older than Jackson. Molly told Jackson fuck off. Again, confused. On end of call, Mom saying bye to family, said to me though to whole group Marvin, call me later, I have things to discuss and need to schedule an appointment for you. I said I would. Everyone left Zoom.

Mom flew to Chicago to come to meeting with fancy new doctor, supposedly OCD-autism-wizard (dr did not like being called this). Mom gave brief overview of history of treatment and doctors we have been to, naming physicians, ENTs, acupuncturists, etc. Exploded at Mom and said was my history to tell. Note to self: apologize to Mom. Know she is just trying to help me get better. Molly reminded me of difficulty family can have watching me struggle. I told her not to characterize it as struggle. But in head I know it is struggle. Cannot say out loud, but maybe can begin to break fear of self-fulfilling prophecy by writing down here. Fancy new doctor suggested I see chiropractor, suspects problem may be craniocervical junction disorder. Mom scheduled appointment for me later this week. Mom came back to my apartment and did my laundry and organized things. Left her there to go to library and think. Came back and everything was clean. Mom sitting on clean couch looking at emails on phone, smiling, warm smile, so warm.

Mom says will stay until chiropractor appointment and wants to be here for intro meeting. Says she wants to help explain history. I tell her I can fill doctor in myself. She says she knows I can, wants to be there anyway. Doubtful, as if she really trusted me, she would leave, she is busy woman, has household to run, other children, including one still a teenager and therefore in need of support, and also a girl, and also with lots of anxiety, medical problems, etc. In any case, Mom wants to stay. I warn her that if she does, will have no time to spend with her and will not be able to entertain her as have lots of work and must spend majority of time in Regenstein Library. Says she understands. I doubt she understands. Know she won’t respect my boundaries in Chicago, just as doesn’t respect boundaries in New York.

ADDENDUM: Thought from shortly after writing initial entry: don’t want to sound ungrateful. Molly says I sometimes miss good things. I told Keithe this thought and she agreed. Suggested in response that I make act of noting things I am grateful for and write them down here. Very grateful for Mom’s help. No idea what I would do without her. But less grateful for unwillingness to leave. Sometimes wonder why she stays so long. Sometimes wonder if she gets something from being here that I don’t see. Sweet but also imposing. Hoping she respects request for space. Very busy student double major at quarter system school with lots to do. Love mother but can’t accommodate for long while maintaining work.

As expected, mom still asking to spend time with me, do meals, etc. Was very persistent today. Told her I warned her. She cannot be mad if had warning in advance. Had very busy day today, morning thinking session, Wittgenstein class, meeting with advisor, standing dinner w/ Jenna, evening transcription of handwritten thoughts (in Reg. Stacks). Day also delayed as face started hurting during morning session because clenched too hard while thinking about phenomenological question for The Paper.

Horrible OCD day. Tried not to clench jaw and ended up ruining entire morning of thinking, sat there in Reg. Stacks trying to get self back on track but could not get back into flow. Angry at condition, want to solve very badly and improve state of life. Fear it is eroding ability to think. Called Molly to ask how to get Mom out of my proverbial hair. Told me to communicate boundaries but also appreciate her and respect her difficulty with my difficulty. Apparently my condition(s) affect more ppl than me.

Amazing day! Chiropractor seems to understand. Did something to back of head/neck that relieved tension. Once explained situation and history of treatment (Mom more vocal than ideal, but no surprise there), dr seemed to have hope that problem is entirely physical. Mom said last dr said same thing. Not sure if she meant this is good or bad. In any case I like new dr and make bi-weekly appointments w/ him, Tuesdays + Thursdays @ 5pm. Mom said thought I had standing dinner w/ Jenna conflicting w/ Tuesday time. Told her I did but would move for chiropractor. Mom frowned.

Mom went home today, was crying when left. Felt bad I wasn’t crying, but secretly happy for return of unburdened alone time, Tried not to reveal this excitement to mom, as Molly said this was inconsiderate, on phone a few days ago, when called her complaining about Mom. Molly comment made sense and was very smart to me. Sometimes I wish I thought more like Molly.

Had second meeting w/ chiropractor. Made me feel even better, gave me exercises to do when I find self in thought loop from clenching face too much. Will try to track progress of effectiveness here as well.

Exercises seem to be working, esp. one where hold head in hands and tighten neck muscles and clunk-clunk repeatedly. But only useful once problem of straining jaw has already arisen. Does nothing to help prevent. And still pretty convinced that thinking is only good while clenching, even though feel better physically once I do exercises, ends thinking session, can no longer focus on question in mind anymore (usually to do w/ The Paper). Resolution not really resolution, as leaves me in less pain but more anxious about thinking I have not done due to (pain-reducing) interruption. Mind contaminated for day. Insidious tradeoff. Can’t think as well when morning session progresses and pain intensifies, but feel that can’t think at all when do exercise to stop physical pain.

This morning was same as yesterday. Brought up problem at appointment w/ chiropractor, who said must stop neck behavior if want to protect spine and head health and preserve ability to do anything at all including work on The Paper (he doesn’t seem to respect The Paper). I said he was being extreme and was wrong. He pushed back. Seemed very confident that his view was correct. Was very insistent that I must learn to think without clenching. I said he was physical not psychological doctor and to please help me feel less pain and leave therapizing to Keithe. Dr insisted two forms intertwined. Told him no he said yes. No yes no yes no yes no yes no yes. Was too much conflict for mind, nerves ramped up, started to breathe heavy and feel scared of dr. Sprinted off table out of office. Left black Friction 0.3 mm pen there, as was in rush and too panicked to count before leaving as usually do. Only discovered upon returning home that dr took peace AND pen. Note to self: go back and get pen.

Met w/ Keithe today. She said chiropractor was correct. Made me immensely anxious, triggering multiple habits, ankle, hair picking, etc. Ended session early, as thought would not be productive with this level of anxiety. I said only thing could do in moment was go on run. Keithe said I should stay and talk about it and sitting in anxiety produced is important part of work. Usually I agree w/ her, but today said I knew best what I needed for self and insisted I leave and take run. Keithe seemed disappointed. In any case, needed my run.

Today in session w/ Keithe said I didn’t want to talk about treatment and face problem. She said was OK, could talk about emotional side of things. Asked me how I feel conditions affect me socially. Said don’t think affects me that much. Definitely sometimes miss social cues, but rarely consequential. Last year, girl named Maddy apparently had big crush on me and everyone around me could see but I did not. Friends told me she had very obvious romantic interest. I had thought she was friend. Keithe kept digging on question, clearly thought had more in head than was sharing. Asked if I ever explicitly thought condition was impairing social skills. Said I am not stupid and of course understand that have limitations. She asked if ever had social instance that made me feel angry that am the way I am. Only thing that came to mine was night with Molly at bar. Keithe asked for story. Here is. Had walked into kitchen and saw Molly + 8-10 friends drinking from red cups and dancing to pop music. Walked in and said music was bad. Then said hello to Molly friends already known and met new ones. Molly said they were going to nearby bar if I wanted to join. As was trying to be more social and partake in activities outside of comfort zone last summer, said yes. At bar weird ugly man, not my sister’s type, buying her drink, asked her if little brother wanted anything to drink, on him (weird ugly man). Molly turned from weird ugly man and asked me. I knew she wanted me to be more open to these things, so said yes, I would have whatever tasted least like alcohol, as did not like sting of liquor, in few instances when tried. She ordered something called Pornstar Martini for me. Tasted like Caribbean and family vacation and Jackson locking me out of suite at Four Seasons in Hawaii and laughing inside of room. Later in night, Molly asked if I was having good time. Said yes. She asked if I liked all her friends. Told her I liked exactly one of her friends. She asked why. Told her I found others annoying and artificial, especially that one, Henry, thinks is much smarter than actually is. Molly looked upset, finished last bit of neon drink and chewed on melted ice cubes at bottom of glass. Ordered next drink, seemed irritated. As am trying harder to understand emotions of ppl I care about, asked her why was irritated, and she said was unkind to criticize friends when she was including me w/ them. Asked why was inconsiderate if was truth, Henry was annoying and so were others and only had good meaningful conversation with one. Molly said to be sensitive. I said was being sensitive in telling her truth, cited Correspondence Theory of Truth and Aristotle to reiterate importance of truth. Molly interrupted me and said You’re being really autistic right now. Then she quickly apologized, clearly felt bad. At home she left horde of drunk friends downstairs and came into my room and said she didn’t mean it and You know how much I love and adore you. Was just was frustrated in moment. I said was OK, had a headache. She tucked me into bed and turned out lights. Before she closed door said sorry again and I said was OK again, but inside felt hurt, though not sure why.

Today in class started thinking about philosophers and general pattern of insanity. Seems to be part of discourse around philosophy, in academia, etc. Have heard often in relation to Nietzsche + descent into madness. In Phil 1043: Advanced Second-Order Logic and Godel’s Incompleteness Theorems, prof. spends entire lecture telling stories about logicians and idiosyncrasies and death. This morning told hilarious story. Godel was scared government trying to kill kim, given he possessed incredible mathematical/technological knowledge in tumultuous times, so refused to eat food unless first tasted by wife. Wife died, Godel stopped eating food. Ha! Know I won’t go this way, but find funny–I have really chosen a wild discipline to pursue! Better not starve! Was focused on anecdote and thoughts of comical madness for remainder of class. Note to self: review slides missed, meet w/ tf to make sure understand new content.

Chiropractor work becoming ineffective. Makes me feel better temporarily when find myself clenching and holding face tight, but still doesn’t prevent urge from arising in first place. Automatic clench still happens. Again, thinking interrupted and thinking day often ruined. Losing many days to clenching and pain in jaw. In order to continue exposure therapy trying to value getting better over productive thinking for now, as fixing problem will improve overall quality of thinking am able to do in future.

ADDENDUM: I lie. The above is written aspirationally. Trying to will myself to subscribe to this line of thought, but still feel inside that truth more important. Need to find fix that allows for thinking while fixing. Whenever do chiropractor exercises to fix clench problem, which Keithe says must continue, bc also practice in letting thinking stop, ie, wants me to think OK to not be doing productive thinking at all times. Need more dynamic solution/compromise. Reconsidering chiropractor.

Lost an hour to Reddit today. Ended up far down rabbit hole of r/askphilosophy. Usually try to stay off this platform, as is populated largely by ppl who don’t actually read and who disseminate falsehood and threaten truth. But today was caught in rabbit hole about Nietzsche death. Big issue of debate. Many ppl think Nietzsche not actually “crazy.” One user very confident madness was “contrived,” that Nietzsche actually sane and was sane w/ friends but put on show of mania for doctors. Seems interesting case to me, and suspect user philosophicallym@d121 is wrong. Cannot imagine someone so brilliant imitating madness. Seems much greater fear than aspiration. As philosophically motivated individual w/ care for truth, madness is biggest fear. Still convinced Nietzsche actually died bc of series of breakdowns and psychiatric illness w/ depression and pneumonia and neurological issues (also contested). Nietzsche spent last 11 years of life in institution. Must not turn out like Nietzsche.

Seeing new dr, Temporomandibular Joint Dysfunction (TMJ) specialist, very famous dr, supposed to know how to deal w/ things of this sort. Really hoping this one knows what’s wrong w/ me. Was reading Hegel for The Paper yesterday and came across old annotations from first and second times reading text (Phenomenology of Spirit), noted in diff. colors though both 0.3mm + Friction brand, saw good observations used to make and acute reading used to do and was dampened by reduction in spirit of intellectual expansion I had then, felt tremendously sad. Need sense of intellectual possibility back. Feel am nothing without it. After leaving Reg. Stacks called Molly crying and said I just want to get better and told her this, that mind is all I have, Molly said No Marvin you have so much more. Still am unconvinced. Though may have more, mind is all I really care about. Genuinely believe would let all other things fall away if could keep just this one safe. If was religious would turn to God and pray. But Nietzsche says (and I agree) that God is dead, we have killed the unkillable (cf: The Gay Science). No God to turn to. Only doctors.

Molly very insistent upon knowing every progression of diagnosis. Calls me at horrible times, often am in Reg. Stacks and cannot answer, Molly assumes something is wrong w/ me, have gone missing or collapsed from anxiety or have gotten stabbed in Hyde Park bc am apparently “oblivious to surroundings” and if not on phone must be bc dead in ditch somewhere and cut up into 18 pieces (Molly did not find joke funny). Molly asking me lots of questions. Feel strangely as if she is questioning me.

New TMJ dr very nice. Went to office in big glass building on 31st floor, looked at ground far below through shiny window pane while sat in big rubber chair and dr inspected mouth. Seemed confident could get rid of clicking and crunching in jaw and that jaw was source of tension/discomfort spreading across face. Wants to install oral appliance. Mom phoned into end of call, could not make in-person appt as had social event in city. Said would miss event if I wanted, told her no. She insisted, I rejected, insist reject insist insist reject insist reject, etc. In end joined via phone and wanted to know dr’s thoughts. Mom dubious of dr’s plan, brought up other diagnoses made by previous dr’s and asked opinion of them. I told Mom to be quiet and just listen to dr. Note to self: apologize to mom, for this and for other thing, don’t remember what (Note to self: go back and look (then apologize)).

Slept through Keithe appt today. Not very like me, usually very consistent w/ these things.

Spoke to high school teacher of mine, thought would be good idea as has known me for long time and seen intellectual development, unfolding of anxiety, etc. Suggested I seek out answers in literature/philosophy, said he finds generally helpful and also reminded me that has helped me in past (ex: when I was worried about Grandfather death, anxiety of not having exhausted this brilliant man’s ideas + histories as I might have, read Heidegger and spent significant time considering my Being-towards-death, took Heidegger suggestion that we spend more time in grave yards to consider Being-towards-Death, did so and felt better, not bc fear of grandfather death suddenly dissolved, but felt understood phenomenon differently using Heideggarean orientation towards death, also re-read Martin Hagglund and was reinvigorated by thesis that finitude makes life valuable (also reminded that second half of book meretricious trash, Hagglund should stay away from political phil)). Now on hunt for literary depiction or philosophical reflections on OCD. Only person coming to mind is Bernhard. Will ask around academic community and pursue.

Seems that philosophical decompositions of OCD on theoretical levels makes me anxious. Looking for literature now, done reading analytic phil on OCD.

Still looking for OCD literature, but revisited Bernhard’s Correction and felt strangely validated. Novel reads like how I think. Idea: could try to write own mind in Bernhardesque style, then at least will have made artistic creation out of struggle.

Was doing good thinking about The Paper and accidentally missed appt w/ Keithe again. Called after to apologize, she said was OK but asked would I consider switching appt times as seems to be becoming pattern. Said had one morning appt available Tuesdays @ 10 but I said absolutely not and morning is thinking time and she knows that so why would she ask me to switch. Said should start showing up consistently @ scheduled time again if don’t want to change time. Said I would. She asked if regretted missing appt today. I said no. Did good thinking. Growing rare these days.

Molly thinks am skipping appointments on purpose. Said no, explained why missed. She rebutted w/ claim that “pattern” is “subconsciously intentional.” Told her no, hung up phone.

Proved Molly wrong. Showed up to Keithe appt today.

TMJ specialist installed oral appliance today supposed to help ease pain, making such that, even when thought arises, there will be two precautions in place for mitigating typical consequences: (1) making harder to clench at all, extent of jaw compression reduced by appliance, and (2) reducing pain that follows, so can’t focus on it as much as usual/fixate to point of self-inflicted exacerbation. Find this approach much more appealing than chiropractor’s, which seems retroactive and not proactive. And ruins thinking for day. Note to self: text chiropractor back.

Marin Geller

Marin Geller

Fiction

Summer 2025

Maybe to Marvin