Features • Spring 2026 - Fear
Gezi
Once again, a newborn cried for the first time. The bald scream carried her voice through crowds in a chestnut-smelling street, rousing the cats from their curbside sleep. The sound stretched farther on to the trees of Taksim as they shuddered with an intensity foreign to them. The cats knew of what was coming before us. They found Spirit in a corner of İstiklal, licked and nursed her. They were the ones who would tell her about the name of the street, about how long before it meant independence, it meant dismissal and rebellion. They told her, as she cried, that she was rebelling even now when she did not know the word for it. They were the ones who decided that the time was right and carried the newborn to a nearby park. The cats, from atop the branches of Gezi, all silent in their knowing, wanted to show Spirit the trees.
Poetry • Spring 2026 - Fear
There’s something to be said about those little birds inside the eggs, with the sticky baby down and bones melted tender. This morning, you call me soup-for-brains and I imagine a boy’s guts cupped inside the feathered belly on my plate—another boy pressed open like a drum, a membrane. I drink the brine from a jar of Koon Chun plums for breakfast. Practice, I say, and you call me Pussy for the first time all week. They say it doesn’t taste like anything. Just the salt of the duck and the blood-tang of marrow. But I forgot you’re tutoring Leah Wong at her place today, so I turn and face your black-feathered buzzcut. No time for a game behind the school with the Chus’ half-popped basketball, which yesterday I poked till it dimpled and likened it to one of her mom’s big fake ones, and you hit me. For a split-second I thought I saw your eyes turn milky and your spine go baby-bent, but I pulled up your T-shirt and you were still hairless as a girl, your skin opaque. So it’s dinnertime and Mom isn’t home yet and all I have is the chick in my egg. He’s just boiled awake, beak parting to call me Dumbass. Soft. My fingers turn to yellow protein in calcium dust, prying you into this wet, scalding kitchen. Walls gum-pink and beating; I take you where heat reigns.
Features • Spring 2026 - Fear
By no means is this a famous story. It takes place in Huntsville, Utah, a small town of under six-hundred residents, located in Ogden Valley on Pineview Reservoir. Surrounded by three ski resorts (Snowbasin, Powder Mountain, and Nordic Valley) there is no shortage of idyllic views, nor a shortage of seasoned skiers wishing to park amongst these idyllic views. This is observed by the abundance of Parking by Permit Only signs that prohibit parking west of 7300 E Street, made possible by the Huntsville Town Ordinance on April 19th, 2018.
Fiction • Spring 2026 - Fear
Big John stood near me with the electric blue above us, screaming out with its shine for everyone to drink it. Lines of neon stretched and twisted into a beauty of advertising brilliance. We were drinking it and the bottles were sweating and it made me feel good for the first time all day.
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From the Archives
Poetry • Fall 2025 - Diagnosis
In the mountains we chewed melons,
sifting everything as two seeds caught
slippery between the rockiest white teeth,
bald 12,000 foot fists, veined with memoratic
rivers, a small feeling of past lives... you are seeing
visions of the long-haired boy from the river
with your neurons in the dark— a Dutch
sans colors, his leathery belly as barefoot
as the operating floor, your heathery hands
shook like a hummingbird with patchy
instinct, tracing bee-lines with purple
chalk, scooping in the cison, hopscotch
with a coda, round and round
we always gnaw on the same subjects,
teetering over a stanza and landing
on an ant bed of spruce and
the impermanence of first loves—the
mountains hold memories the way
muscles do— a cornsilk glacial tear
greases a fishy earthen canal
which you probe with blue gloves
to count centimeters, calling avalanche
from behind the operatic curtain
which opens like the palms of Atlas
to hold the crying pink sun
chewing oxygen and his mother’s bloody
skyscrape, the world gasping for black
while you stand cataloging carmine
rings on a fallen spruce, wondering
how this time of year, seasonless and
shifty, always reminds you of that boy
from the river, how nothing you studied
in medical school ever made sense and yet
the decomposing shells of birds
smell familiar, and the unstitched
threads of your mind are momentarily loosened,
asking me why the present moment
is never lucid, why light impregnates
through smaller objects
and how could the watermelon-shaped caste
cover horizons unbirthed
to your jealous pale eyes,
scalpels to the bark, each old lover
itching the heart which, like the never-ending
sentence, is inflammatory when left
unoperated.
Poetry • Winter 2018 - Noise
Talking feels canceled when I stand alone
in the forest. Mother, your thinness is a letter
to my worry. I watch you work in the garden.
I confuse solitude with loneliness.
My hair is also grey kisses at sundown.
A doe strafes the ridgeline, until lost
in the thicket, only snapping brush.
God undressed in an arbor of madness;
I am his mannequin’s shadow.
My eyes empty the last clip of daylight
into the forest, and quietly
the rain on leaves leaves leaves clean.
A son’s no thing but a map to likeness.
You have tried to make me yours—
I think of the bones you broke to bring me here.
I promise, I am trying to love the world.
Say it is not impossible. Place
your flowers on the sill inside me.
Fiction • Spring 2020
Translated from the Spanish by Javier Arango.
The obsession with maintaining a constant contact between skin and various liquids. Water, petroleum, mud, bodily fluids: blood, oils, acids, tears, sperm. Brilliant flesh, scrubbed again and again, clean, eaten away, naked, buried, immaculate, tarnished, dead. The fervor is so great that skins end up simply dissolving. From a face, usually only the raw flesh appears. It is confirmed that the skin was torn off before death. On the underground transport, every day one can see millions of travelers freshly bathed, with damp hair, usually worn in strict styles. It’s not in vain that thousands of liters of gel are sold each year. At parties, ladies and gentleman present themselves all tidied up before the celebrations. On birthdays, both the celebrant and the guests try to dress to kill. The children painstakingly wash the iguanas, the rats, the skunks that they own, to sit before a photographer with the animal on their lap. They try to the best of their abilities to keep their suits clean. They always appear immaculate before the abductions, the abuse, the ritual killings to which they are subjected. There are also collective baths. It’s an official profession: the washers of bodies, both living and dead, skinned or intact, who use harsh sponges and coarse scrubbers to eliminate any bodily impurity. The hot water, the steam, the vapor expands profusely. For each death, it is important that there be a great amount of liquid. The perfect crime seems not to be one that is never uncovered, but one that leaves the greatest amount of aqueous substances spreading over the scene of the crime. Whether it occurs on the streets or in privacy. In a crime of passion or hatred, there must be many stab wounds, tens, sometimes hundreds, so that the emerging liquid can be used to write on the walls the motives, the circumstances, and the consequences of those actions. Written with blood. Bodies washed, brushed, trained. Docile and elegant, often sitting before a photographer’s lens, forming part of an image that itself is only possible by way of another liquid, a chemical, that will fix it onto a rigid surface. Naked bodies, cleaned of all shame, a peasant dancing with no clothes on, with enormous ears and taking little hops. Or the images of Pedagogue Boris or Teacher Virginia that are kept in some of the poorer homes. Bodies that present themselves directly to those who need them, conscious of their transience, of their furtive passage through the world. Moist surfaces, wet bedsheets over wrinkled skins. Morgues, amphitheaters packed with neat cadavers. Stinking trucks, overflowing with the dead that nobody claims. Travel agents who scam the visitors, mostly already dead, who wish to get to know the region. It’s common to see how, after a day’s work in streets or markets, the hygiene of the place becomes essential. Enormous amounts of running water are thrown on the surfaces. All to erase any trace of blame. The same thing happens after the various religious rites that take place throughout the city. After people gather around the learnings of the Sacred Quran or after Evangelical or Catholic rites, the water seems to emerge from nothingness. The liquid in the synagogue is no different from the others. The presence of water is fundamental. It seems even more important than the oxygen needed to breathe. Pedagogue Boris remembers the time when a philosopher, whom he met as a young follower of the Blind Poet, told him about when he fell asleep in the rural baths. He had taken a long nap because the place was empty, silent, free of danger. He frequented the baths; they were cheap. He never had enough money to properly care for the pains resulting from the genetic abnormalities he suffered. He found relief in the steam rooms, in the showers of those public baths. Steam, humidity, running water. The philosopher was officially certified as a mutant. Lulled by the calm induced by the constant flowing of liquids, he fell asleep, hopeful that soon he would have a sacred dog. A dog that had been offered as a gift in a dream experienced after leaving his place of prayer. When he woke up he found himself in the midst, not of dogs, of sacred ghosts, but of dozens of naked men. He became alarmed. The bodies were of different ages, of different complexions. Before putting his clothes on and leaving the place, he took a digital image with the camera on his phone. He wished to take with him the instant he was experiencing. He captured an image of a man’s skin overcome by soap. When he was leaving the baths, he noticed that suddenly the horde of naked figures started calling out for him to return. They demanded reasons for what he had just done. Taking a humid image, the bare skin of men bathing together, was a grave offense for which he should pay. The philosopher was already out of the steam baths. In the area where people get ready to leave. The men could not reach him: they had no clothes, and many were mid-bath. That moment he learned, as told by one of the receptionists, that the angry men were peasants who were washing themselves after a day of hard work. They were bathing in order to return home spotless. They were performing the ritual of exposing skin to liquid. And precisely because they were carrying out an ancient rite, they would not allow someone to take an image of the scene. Their anger toward the young philosopher was a result of the obsession with exposing skin to the constant flow of water. A near madness that had to be carried out without the presence of witnesses. Finally, the young philosopher managed to escape, taking with him the secret, the microsecond in which he had captured the practice, skin, water, shine, excoriation, disappearance. A population immaculate by nature, clean, a victim of itself, beheaded with a clean cut. Naturally, the heads tend to roll in a large puddle of liquid creating a curious outline on the surfaces. Nobody is guilty of anything. Maybe only aqueous matter is scrubbed again and again. It all seems to show that hygiene is a gift from heaven. The appearance of skinned bodies is too. A miracle that a man had dissolved hundreds, maybe thousands, of cadavers in acid, which were handed to him systematically to be cooked in corrosive liquid. In large scalding pots. A radical task of cleaning. Now, that man walks the streets freely. It is not written in any code that making bodies disappear is a crime. On the contrary, he was following the necessary laws of purification. Clean are the subjects whose bodies are wrapped in burial sheets. The ones who wash themselves until they are skinned alive. Clean, the cancer operations, the routine amputations, surgical interventions, mutilations, almost always carried out ritually. Clean, the heads apart from their bodies. The ones who await their sexual clients are in conditions of extreme tidiness. The famous Pamelitas, bound by the orders of obese old men. The migrants who go hand over their clean lives to an unknown nothingness. The transvestites. The muxes, figures who are recognized by at least two different gazes. The clowns who try to surprise motorists on the busiest street-corners. Exquisite, the nakedness of the one enveloped by a snake. The territory of impeccable deaths. The ones who pose with a wild animal on their laps. The neatness is so polished that many times the living don’t know that they are already dead; some cadavers are present, alive, in anguish of the ones looking for them. The traveling mages. The indigenous. The ones who frequent the public baths surreptitiously. Who immerse themselves in temples of prayer. In porno theaters. None of that exists, except in what is liquid. In its aqueous state across centuries, times overlaid on one another to form a body, unique, compact, broken, diluted. Matter held together only by the fervor with which millions try to keep their purity intact. Skin and aqueous substances. I offer liquid and I demand liquid. Nothing bad can happen inside this gel reality, protected, armored, solid, in a reality so grotesque due to the constant fluidity to which bodies are subjected. An unparalleled protection is offered by the aqueous quality of souls looking for a moist skin to embody, to disappear into and then reemerge in another body just as liquid and fleeting. The young philosopher’s desire before falling asleep in the public baths, apart from keeping his body absolutely clean, was to have a sacred dog. The dog that is not a dog, but a Gift from God. Is the Quran perchance unfamiliar to these people? Surely it is. Also the theology of pre-Colombian gods, who manifest themselves in ordinary ways, especially around the primary-school- turned-hospice that Pedagogue Boris had set up before the arrival of the horde of bathing peasants. Neither what is Muslim nor what is pre-Colombian belongs to us, he seemed to want to scream when he was beside the dying people in the school he ran. The Torah, the Cabbala. Despite currently living in a planet inhabited by the dead, there is no Sacred Word to follow. We live in a space with no defined destiny, framed only by the constant need for water, needed both to live and to be dead. In a place for cadavers where Pedagogue Boris ended up not only settling in for good, but also founding a modest school that people attended with the hope of being taught brilliantly. A classroom, a primary school that eventually flooded. First with vapor, then with water, with blood, with liquids emerging from bodies on the way to decomposition. It seems that nobody believes in anything, not has faith in anything that does not come from the virgins, the ones who are depicted in these lands as women dressed for a wedding whose heads are really the skulls of Santa Muerte. So we must be humble, bow our heads and accept that we live on a planet where there is no longer any Word, no Tutelary Books, no Codices, none of the intricate and impenetrable atavistic writings of the civilizations of the South. Nor any new interpretations from the countless evangelists who knock again and again on the doors of the little school-turned-hospice that Pedagogue Boris so kindly founded. Nothing to give sense to the infinite number of deaths that surround us: the moist living, residing above the dead, the dead drinking the water of the living, the dead burying their own dead, the dead digging up their dead. Mud. Watery lands. Hopefully, I wish with all my heart, the young philosopher will be able to have his sacred dog. He is just as worried about finding a way to get it, as he is about knowing whether he is even in the right conditions to raise it. These dogs are delicate: they need open space to run and develop properly. He doesn’t think that this place for the dead where he lives, where nobody believes in any Scripture anymore, is the right place to see it grow up. Will it be appropriate to tell this sacred dog, in the right moment, that he is not just the author of a series of books, but of the bearer of New Scriptures? A dog who does not dig up the dead with his nails. When the other dogs tried to desecrate the tomb of the Prophet, Mohammed’s followers eradicated all the dogs, hundreds, thousands, with the blade of their swords. All of the dogs in the area were left lifeless and bleeding. They formed astonishing mountains from the bodies, which they had to decompose with acids, with liquid chemicals, to later incinerate them and throw the ashes into the waters of a nearby river. The flesh of dogs taken to the cremation ovens used in military barracks. Dogs killed like dogs. Guided by a higher order, not written in any Sacred Book. The Present Scriptures no longer exist. The dead form a single mass. Today, sacred dogs are almost impossible to come by. The bones of the clandestine dead are still present around the young philosopher, Pedagogue Boris, or Teacher Virginia. Clean, brushed, impeccable. They go past any Scripture. To get a sacred dog, one must undertake long journeys. But the true miracle would not be the arrival of the dog that is not a dog, but the emergence of a proper form of writing. With a gift seemingly enjoyed by the nomads of the desert when they hear their dogs chasing a hare. More than once, the Prophet himself, a Blind Poet in this case, has declared that a Bedouin without a good sacred dog by his side, a form of writing, can be considered a dead man. Pedagogue Boris and the young philosopher must forget their frequent worries. Not worry too much about the guests, the sick on the verge of dying whom they keep in the little, primitive school. Nor notice the hundreds of impeccable dead that surround them, not only the bodies on the way to extinction, those of the guests at the school for whom they are responsible, but also those who reside in the grave pits that never stop appearing, or the ones who travel the underground transport, hair styled with gel. These times seem to necessitate the emergence of a new series of letters, forming new phrases. No language is capable of expressing the misfortunes of which Pedagogue Boris and the young philosopher are victims. Among other things, of liberating them from the side-effects of the medications they must take to stay alive. Where are the Dead that we know? Where the unknown? Can it be that Pedagogue Boris and the young philosopher are actually a single being? I think so. Pedagogue Boris and the young philosopher are the same person. Letters appearing from nothingness led him to write his first book. A philosopher who does not write treatises or create systems of thought. The young philosopher’s work of creation was perhaps one of the ways he found to escape the guilt arising both from writing and from not writing. To think, how not to do it. To bathe whenever possible. To visit the public baths at every opportunity. Maybe he only feels fulfilled in places that are flooded with all kinds of substances, which is just how the area where he lives has been inundated. It can’t be possible for someone like the philosopher, who did not study at any university or institution, who barely knows how to read and write, to feel a guilt like that. Nor can it be that in his capacity as Pedagogue Boris, he created a primary school where children go to die. In reality, the philosopher has never had any kind of education. In fact, he is infected, a pariah. Another Pamelita who prostitutes himself, pleasure included. Someone condemned to the most terrible death. He was taught no more than the basic letters and a few passages from the Bible. While he read, lying on the rug where he often slept, the young poet remembered that at certain moments, he had felt the deceptive feeling of protection, both from himself, and from the constant images of systematic slaughters, especially of dogs, that would appear before him; of the shapes of mosques, both in the East and the West, of children drowning other children in mountain villages, in lagoons, in rivers, on endless plateaus, on the black coasts of the Pacific. He saw himself, brutally murdered in the heavy snow. He felt in his body the scenes of Gods devouring other Gods. I imagine nobody would believe that this very young man represents the New Scriptures. Only Pedagogue Boris, who does not remember clearly when he met the young philosopher, affirms this. The fish know it too, those fish in the tanks that the young philosopher kept at the school for classes on the Natural Sciences, as does the sacred dog that he wished for. Letters that are able to define him both as a young philosopher and as someone immersed in tragedy. And also as the figure of a Pedagogue interested in opening a school. Although many people know that the philosopher’s words, his thoughts, his dreams, are all lies. The liquid boiling in his brain. Nobody believes in the Sacred Books, neither the Western ones nor the ones from the region where he lives. It is widely known, I repeat, that the young philosopher has never had any education. According to Pedagogue Boris, he only writes to forget that he will die soon, the victim of an incurable disease. It is the destiny marked out on those lands. Although he lives with the hope that the New Scripture will appear by spontaneous generation. Perhaps it will be like a dog that is larger than a horse. Almost like a camel in the desert. Or maybe it will manifest itself as its opposite, miniscule like one of the colored fish from the Natural Sciences course. Pedagogue Boris knows that there is no conventional way to express that which appears like a monster, like a shadow: the writing that is carried out throughout the course of existence. He does not know the exact moment in which the urge to write, blind, dumb, with no definite sense, went on to form an archive of reality. Perhaps forgetting was its reason to exist. To put into practice something like The Scriptural Seal of Non- Memory. In that exercise in forgetting, the philosopher places some sacred dogs that he wishes to have before his death. He remembers nothing. Has he mentioned this before in some space? He doesn’t know whether he is a philosopher, a writer, or a pedagogue. It only occurs to him, while he travels in an underground coach surrounded by clean bodies with their heads polished, humid, covered in gel, that a Muslim boy is recounting his dream. He is going to receive a sacred dog from the Superior of his Order. The transparent fish-tank from the classroom also appears. The steam baths full of naked men willing to beat him to death for having taken an image of their skins being rubbed by liquid again and again. The book of the dead. Secret tributes. A monster that can only be endured if one does not remember it intensely or if one lets it remain in its kind of aqueous existence, clean, carried in the hairstyles worn by the city’s underground transport passengers. The philosopher has the duty to write. Repudiation, ignorance, and necessity are all that is left to him after rejecting the Sacred Books, the Aztec Codices. Perennial cultures, extreme, unstable, bloodthirsty, just, unjust, whose opposites now tend to present themselves simultaneously. That’s why he knows that it is difficult for him to be understood when he explains that his way of working is not like that of others. His study, the one in which he invented the existence of a classroom decorated with pedagogical fish, every now and then becomes a sort of nothing. He places, on a white surface, one word after another. He notices that we rarely talk about non-writings, neither new nor classic. That it is easy to omit referring to silences. The important silencing, the definitive one, appears to be the one that is kept, hidden, in these regions. He never trusts words. Nor reviews, honors, awards, distinctions, doctorates. Nor the existence of mystical dogs that can reach the size of a camel. Nor does he trust the words of his brothers in the Order when they say that they live in heaven on earth. Where the limits between the living and the dead seem to have been erased. Like words and writing. We are all Muslim, some around there say. The mystical is present in the ordinary. Pedagogue Boris, in his effort to run a primary school, has already forgotten the hieroglyphics buried in the eternal snowy steppes of the North. Something similar, necessary forgetting, is what should take place with the writings of all times. Scriptural Seals of Non- Memory. Inscribed in clay tablets, in the dark surfaces of caves or on modern keyboards. Maybe also on those decomposing bodies, hanging from bridges, skinned alive. Washed and washed again. Dying in a classroom in a primitive school, where the pupils have been condemned to death for reasons unknown to us. The worst enemies of writing are exactly those who practice writing, affirms Pedagogue Boris. The saint Mansur Al-Hallaj was tortured to death for claiming “I Am the Truth, I Am God”. The same way that a philosopher would be executed in our time if he dared to say something similar: that he is the Word. And the young philosopher allows himself to say, surrounded here by dozens of cadavers, that there is no objective. Apart from writing a book, everything is imposture. The descriptions of the dogs, of the fish. The stories, the characters, the repetitions. All a falsehood, a pretext. It’s possible that each golden fish, swimming majestically, being described by condemned children, by Pedagogue Boris, may be the representation of the proper word. A word that can never be complete while the marked dogs still exist, those wandering the world in search of burial. An unnamable writing, indefinite, fleeting, transparent, as the passage of time appears to a dervish in its spinning trance. “I Am The True Scripture”, anyone can say, who simply takes a pencil to paper with the intention of making a stroke, a letter, a flourish. Something that, with a single movement, etches on a surface its passage through the world. Or rather the footprint of its being scorched into the ovens of some military barracks. Constant water. Bodies cleaned of their corporeality. Scorched bones, transparent bones, bones of an extreme whiteness that shine under the sun. On certain autumn nights, especially on those when the philosopher’s epilepsy medication leaves him in a state that can neither be called sleep nor wakefulness, scenes and thoughts pass through his head, most of which are difficult to describe. Events that take place as if behind a transparent curtain, a shadowy sheen. Similar states must be experienced by some animals in the solitude of their coops, stables, or barns. Pedagogue Boris is sure that this happens to the dogs that sleep in his room. Sometimes he surprises them, in the middle of the night, gazing, engrossed and focused on an indeterminate point. He usually notices how they’ll suddenly move a muscle compulsively or let out a moan they seem unable to control. He is sure that in those moments they are living scenes from some other reality. One time, the young philosopher felt something similar while he was wrapped in the blanket where he spends his nights. He noticed a figure very much like him, it was himself, sitting on one of the edges. From the first moment, he noticed that the shadow was talking incessantly. It was as though he had found it in the middle of an eternal monologue begun at an indefinite time. Upon hearing it, he realized that the shadow was talking about Our Lady, about a kleptomaniac, about a tour guide who lived exiled in a part of the country where the corrosion from sea salt was very pronounced. The results of oxidation could be seen in electrical devices, in the ancient and broken summer chairs out on balconies, and in the general structure of the building. The fire escape had turned into a heap of twisted iron, which the neighbors had decided to place facing the ocean like a great sculpture. Our Lady had been, in her time, an effective tour guide, especially when nobody knew that she would steal things while she was doing her job. She would usually steal unimportant objects, things of little value, from her clients. It all ended when she was caught taking the earrings from a jewelry box that the wife of a foreign king had left on a table in the suite where she was staying. She was never told anything about her crime. Rather she was forced to remain locked away in her house indefinitely. She did not receive a formal penalty, except the order not to leave her apartment for any reason. She was forced to stay there as long as was necessary. Our Lady (a tour guide?) is a character that the young philosopher came up with a few years ago, when he was using the study that a photographer had lent him to edit a book. He wrote it on a typewriter, producing a sound that bothered the photographer’s children, who lived on the floor below. They were also bothered by the sound of the dog’s footsteps above them. It was called Sueño del Pongo. The dog that shouldered the burden of millennia of injustice: that of the abusive owner, himself abused in the dream of someone oppressed. In that study, sometimes a memory would arise, in the way that memories do, of the vague presence of his mother. Not the one that everyone knew, but the one who had actually raised him. The faded one. The dead mother. The one who would never move away from watery surfaces, with her shining skin, luscious, who would give herself to the street vendors. The mother who, since the philosopher was little, took advantage of the disproportionate size of his penis. The one who would demand various objects from the other women in the region in exchange for letting them look at her son’s member as long as they wished. Our Lady, a kleptomaniac tour guide, is based on the story of a government worker who was the philosopher’s neighbor during the years he lived in other parts. In a society governed by a totalitarian system. The image of the philosopher’s mother, the faded one, who was attentive to the women looking at his naked body, may appear as a consequence of the mutual rejection they always felt for each other. From the moment of his birth. The mother facing the son and the son facing the mother. Maybe the root of this discord has to do with the circumstances of his birth. The philosopher is missing some body parts. He was born that way. That is why he carries a document that identifies him as a mutant. The condition of his body sometimes causes unbearable physical pain, which has led him to imagine an institution specializing in patients with strange maladies. He imagines that he attends a clinic that focuses on people who have never had, who have lost, or who are about to lose an appendage. Including the penis that his mother methodically showed in public. The institution has a floor exclusively for that type of patient. It offers a pool with underwater jets that give firm massages. Steam, fog, vapor, incessant water on the surface of bodies. It also has clinical equipment. It is common to see people entering or leaving the building, sometimes with help, a series of individuals who search the waters, the machines, the institution in general for the peace they need to go on with their lives. His visits to that clinic remind him that when he was a boy, he frequently attended an institution for deformed people, where he spent a good part of his childhood living with people trying to adapt to normal life, many desperately, others with resignation. What they sought in his case was to make him hear through his missing ear, and for him to accept wearing a glass eye so as not to show the hole, the scar, the scratch, the dead eyelid on his face. In another corner of this floor of the clinic were the rooms dedicated to individual therapy. They were small spaces with beds for massages, physical therapy, osteopathic treatments, separated from one another by thin curtains. In that section, they could tend to up to six patients at a time. In fact, a single therapist was able to offer his services to all of them, going from one bed to another every few minutes. The most well-known massage therapist was a body- builder who more than once told Pedagogue Boris about the strange situation that was taking place at his home at that time: the transformation of his mother into a parrot. The mother had died months ago, murdered, disappeared, skinned, inert on the side of the road, and the parrot that she had had for several years would repeat her usual words. Also, he told him in confidence, the parrot would not miss an episode of the television series that his mother had not been able to finish watching. With regards to the presence of the philosopher’s mother in the baths, we must clarify that in reality, such places never existed. Just like there never existed, except in his fictions, a man who lived close to the central airport. An invalid, like the ones who used to go to the clinic that he created in his mind while laying down, wrapped in a blanket, on the ground, or in the rehabilitation area of the hospital in whose basements he had spent a good part of his childhood. He mentions the basements because that is where the prostheses are usually built: arms, legs, ears, eyes. Eyes. Dozens, hundreds of eyes kept in large jars of liquid. Floating eyes. Wet. Clean. Aseptic. He remembers that, despite his forced visits, on one occasion he was not able to get a new eye because his father refused to accept the cost based on his socioeconomic evaluation. A new eye? The young philosopher is missing an eye? The father indicated that despite the place where he worked, a mid-level job, he did not have enough money for this expense. Pedagogue Boris remembers that this led to a nasty argument between the father and the social worker, who was trying to show him that his fees were adjusted to his economic status. Nevertheless, his rejection was decisive. The father calmed him down as they were leaving when he said that he knew a place where they made perfect marbles. So perfect that nobody would notice that he was missing an eye. He never took him to such a factory. His mother preferred for him to spend his days lying down. Just like that character who lived near the airport, who lay eternally in bed screaming orders to the guard dogs that he owned. Despite being immobile, that man was considered one of the best trainers of the region. He shared his house with his mother, a sister, his nurse, and nearly a dozen dogs trained to kill at the sound of an order. It is unknown why, upon entering his room, some visitors felt the presence of an atmosphere that had to do with what could be called the future of America. Maybe the Inuits’ drawings, the Lakotas’ way of organizing themselves. Some interpretations of the Codices, usually flawed readings. There seemed to be in that room some word, some Sacred Book that would once and for all define that part of the world. If anyone asked about his situation, the immobile man would respond, in his nearly incomprehensible way of speaking, that it was one thing to be immobile and another to be mentally retarded. It was a shame that a trainer like that, effective, about to reveal the mysteries of this area, the reasons for which a girl would take a seat with an iguana on her lap, died on an ordinary night when one of the animals escaped its crate and devoured him while he slept next to his nurse. The room filled with liquid. It may have been a sacred dog and not a guard dog. The size of a camel in the desert. The blood of the paralytic man spread through the room. With fecal matter. With his brains, which soon emerged. Once again, liquids flooding the scene of a crime. Honoring the aqueous nature of this part of the world. But it’s true, the young philosopher’s mother took advantage of his embarrassment. She showed off her son clean, his breast, his arms, his legs, his genitals, the way that skins are often presented in the region. There was the disproportionately large penis. Some men, the bathers, gave him a particular shine. They seemed to want to prepare him for his next disappearance. That way his body would look very tidy, naked, next to the other bodies washed in the same desperate way. As if in all that scrubbing they were trying to hang onto this world. To be allowed to continue attending the primary school that Pedagogue Boris had created with such care. To keep studying the water in the fish-tanks to get good grades on the exams. To continue on with their exfoliated suits, so clean, whose cleanliness they would protect with care in case they were eventually forced to sit before a photographer’s camera with an iguana on their lap. Peasants with huge ears dancing naked. Hair styled carefully with differently textured gels. Immaculate bodies, clean, unpolluted. In this way they would be handed over to that nothingness: immaculate. Surrounded by holy ghosts, the dogs. By cancer operations, by routine amputations, by surgical interventions, by mutilations. Exquisite, the nakedness of the one enveloped by a snake. In porno theaters. Hopefully the young philosopher will be able to obtain his sacred dog. The saintly dog. The side-effects of a medication that lets him stay alive. The need to write to create an Archive of Reality. The Scriptural Seal of Non-Memory. Repudiation, ignorance, and necessity. The book of the dead. Secret tributes. The epilepsy that the philosopher suffers. The solitude of the stables, coops, and barns. The dogs that sleep in the poet’s bedroom. Next to the blanket he wraps himself in, inside the primitive school run by the poet himself– Pedagogue Boris and Professor Virginia– in the hope that the students may have a proper place to die.
Features • Summer 2020
In the fall of last year, I spent a night eating dates, clicking through Google Image results for *baker island maine*. Shot southward off the shoreline, the island is uninhabited year-round. Barely anything but blue opens off its edges. Seeing it for the first time, you'd be forgiven for thinking the world might end here.
At some point in the evening, as a coast of date pits piled around me, I clicked on a photo that made me pause. In it, there are two women — in wide-brimmed hats and pleated skirts, like unbent muffin wrappers. It's 1910. We're on a slab of rock, the ocean ahead of us. Locals, from the mainland, call this spot the Dance Floor. By all available evidence, the two women are dancing. In movement, their arms tuck in the same position: against their hips, chicken-like. For a moment, it seems a mirror has dropped from the sky and made one out of the other.
I can't say much more about the photo and the women in it. I can't say anything about what was making them dance. The photo, as you can guess, is soundless. That's what makes it — and most images of dance — so strange. We want to explain the cause of movement with some sort of music. Lacking this, we start to fill in.
I was skimming through photos of Baker Island because of the experimental musician Arthur Russell. The final outing Russell made with his family was to Baker Island. It was a special place for him. It's not hard to guess why. Arthur was a musician, but he loved the water. Across the top of one of his composition books, he scrawled out, as a potential life goal, "a job where you drive a boat."
Shortly before taking the trip to Baker Island, Russell was diagnosed with AIDS. It was the early 1990s. There was an end in Arthur's world. He sat facing water and, taking the recorder he carried with him often, clicked it on, setting down the waves on shore.
I couldn't find any photos of the island from the 90s, when Arthur would have been there. But, looking at this photo of the two women, barefoot and blurred against the sky, it strikes me at least one thing must have been the same. I can almost hear it: the horizon behind them, each wave breaking. A record-needle set down, striking into its groove.
---
If you google "arthur russell," the first song that comes up, via a YouTube link, is "That's Us / Wild Combination." Listen. Listen, mostly, to his voice. The song is all about it — starting in echo, looping around itself. *I just wanna be*, he confesses, *wherever you are*.
The video has 136,462 views — give or take a few, by the time you've heard it. It's not a bad count. Maybe even a good one, considering the relative obscurity in which Russell died in 1993, a few months after sitting on that rock on Baker Island. At the time of his death, he was working on an album for Rough Trade Records, under the working title *1-800-Dinosaur*. His songs enjoyed moderate playtime at New York underground parties — the ones in high and cramped lofts, where the sound of bodies pulled by disco echoed out into the night.
Russell's name wasn't — isn't — a household one. He doesn't have a hit song you might have heard. But, his music turns up in unexpected places. You can find quotes where Allen Ginsberg — poet, infatuated with Russell — compares Russell's lyrics to William Carlos Williams. In 2016, his music was sampled by Kanye West on "Answers Me," a song I often hear bypassing car windows, or leaking out of headphones at coffee shops. In this way, Russell has always been stepping around the edges of fame, peering out behind its contours.
Since passing, he's been caught in its light more and more. The cultural currency Russell enjoys today is far wider than any he enjoyed during his life. Largely, this change can be explained by YouTube, and other kinds of digital platforms, resurrecting his work into a posthumous, qualified fame. It's a fame that is small in its scale, though deep in its intensity. It's an intensity that seems reserved for artists we discover after their death, who we stumble across out of some strange fortune. The kind of intensity you can get a sense of, scrolling through the comment sections of that same video. Listen.
ok i have just divided my life into before I ever heard of Arthur Russell and AFTER i heard Arthur Russell... / first song to make me feel anything in years / omg i want to live in this song / i love him / this sounds like the inside of a person's head / he'd been sailing so long, I hope he found the shore / this song found me this morning, Thank you Universe I needed this / if you like this please spread arthur russell's name
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Charles Arthur Russell was born Charles Arthur Russell in Oskaloosa, Iowa, in 1951. His father, the mayor of the town, was also Charles Arthur Russell (Sr.) and so our Charles, in a bid for independence, insisted on becoming Arthur.
We know a scattering of things about Russell's childhood. He was a bookish child, with bad acne that scarred his face for life, who had a penchant for putting on magic shows in his spare time. He was a midwestern boy through and through, even after he moved out west to San Francisco, and then to New York, and people would still say there was something about him that made it seem like he just stepped off a tractor. (And it's true: on the cover for his album *Love is Overtaking Me*, he's pitched up in a cornfield, wearing a cowboy hat, eyes drifting past us).
It's easy to marvel at the oddness of his biography, to stumble when squaring how a quiet boy from Iowa could become, as he did, a fixture within the bounded limits of the New York underground music scene. Try to hold all the facts of his life and they seem to push off against one another — mayor's son; radically-experimental cellist; disco-lover; devotee of ABBA; Buddhist; music director of performance space The Kitchen, where Brian Eno, David Byrne, Steve Reich passed by.
Sorting through these bits of Russell's life and work, the biggest question that emerges is one of time: his lack of acclaim then, his sudden appraisal now. Read any of the write-ups devoted to Russell in recent years, and some form of this ask will appear. English music critic David Toop claims Russell was simply "too remarkable and too individual for his time." Others say he is just another example of someone who "never found an audience during life." "There is no market for the music of the future," sums up Olivia Laing, writing about Russell this year in the *Paris Review*. Arthur, it seems, was just ahead of its time.
In a sense, this is literally true. Most of the music we listen to by Russell was never released during his life. Russell was a notorious perfectionist — known to spend hours reworking demos, never feeling they were quite ready to release. He only ever shared one pop album under his own name: 1986's *World of Echo*.
The rest of Russell's material has been exhumed through a meticulous drive through his archive, facilitated by Tom Lee, Russell's boyfriend at the time of his death. It was Lee who took responsibility for the materials Arthur left behind — over a thousand tapes and recordings, scattered around his sixth-floor walk-up in New York City. Since 2004, Lee has collaborated with independent label Audika Records to produce compilations of Russell's music — most recently, 2019's *Iowa Dream*.
These albums join the ranks of a genre that has been given rich life in recent years: the posthumous album. Made by collaging material from an artist's cutting room floor, posthumous albums are usually facilitated, as in the case of Russell, by some overseer of estate and legacy. Thanks to this genre, three years after his death, there could be a new Prince album. Leonard Cohen's *Thanks for the Dance* could be released last year, absent the singer himself. Through these albums, we hear voices — ones gone, but speaking still.
To hear music in this way is perhaps unremarkable. Yet the ability for songs to find posthumous audiences is relatively new. While music today is largely consumed in recorded form, the detaching of songs from a present, performing body only really took off towards the middle of the twentieth century. Before then, live music didn't need an adjective to emphasize its liveness — it was the only kind of music there was. With the advent of high-quality sound recording in the 50s though, live music became, in music historian Leon Botstein's words, "an antique of sorts, an imperfect and outmoded experience."
In the place of live performance, recorded music became standard. Modern sound reproduction provided a pure, objective representation of a musical work, allowing for a piece to be repeated, identically, forever. Because of this technology, music now had evidence of its afterlife. When the body of a musician passed away, their sounds could float into our lives, fumbling towards us across the delay of time.
With Russell's music, this arrival is particularly striking. This isn't a case — as it is with Prince or Cohen — of us hearing a voice that is gone, but that many knew while it was still living. Most of Russell's fans today weren't aware of his work during his life. For them, these songs have only ever been elegy, and Arthur has only ever been absent.
---
When I came across Arthur, I felt like his music had been made for me — me, specifically — to figure out. I can't remember the first time I heard him. I don't think this to be strange. There are friends who are like this: not there, until they are. You can't believe their life once was outside the boundary of your own. You also know this fact to be true.
The furthest I can go back with him is a January of several years ago. I know it was January, because I can remember the cold. It was a party. The music was loud and hot around us. I met a boy, we spent the night clinging and, later, slouched towards a late-night diner. It's here that I remember the cold. It's here that I remember him.
He was coming through the speakers of the diner, as I was sprawled out in the booth, scattering a paper sleeve of pepper into my hand. Singing. I heard him then the way I would hear him later, even in the best of recordings: barely.
It was the first piece of Arthur — a gasp of a song called "A Little Lost" — that I remember falling in love with. I found it later by googling its lyrics, which I fumblingly wrote out onto my lower arm, borrowing the pen used to sign the check. Waking the next morning, the blurred ink on my arm — on my sheets, now, too — was enough to find it. Enough, also, to realize how much I'd gotten wrong.
Not,
*Now I'm                   not                   /                 Me, my big, old ways.*
Rather,
*Now it's harder, I'm not on my turf / Just me and those big, old waves / Rolling in.*
I was surprised I hadn't been able to fill in the gaps, but was glad to have found the song, to see that there were more songs to find. I began working through every piece of Russell I could. Mostly, I heard him through a pair of blasted-out headphones, on long runs circling down into the ravines that are etched into the city where I live.
Before long, Russell's voice was everywhere — plastered up and along my mind. His words became a kind of audiotape, looping endlessly underneath my consciousness. When things didn't work out with the boy from the diner, it was Russell's words from "Our Last Night Together" I heard: *This job is just a one-way street / It's taken you away from me*. After my friends surprised me in the park for my birthday, I unconsciously clicked over to "Habit of You:" *When I opened the door and saw / My orange birthday cake / I felt like crying*!
None of these lyrics described exactly the thing I was feeling — not quite. There was no last night together, no door to open, no orange birthday cake. But,like gas filling its container, Russell's words always adjusted themselves, growing enormous or modest as needed, fitting neatly inside the volume of my emotions.
It happens a lot — this devouring Arthur into one's consciousness. In a New Yorker profile on Russell, one of the main things contemporary fans talk about is how, when listening to Russell, it feels as though he is "in their skulls." My friend Mathilde tells me when she was driving to Montréal along the Trans-Canada-Highway, and "That's Us / Wild Combination" was playing, it was like the song was saying everything she was feeling. It wasn't Russell she was registering, she says, so much as a perfect mirror, right there on the dashboard, singing out the form of her thoughts.
To a degree, this happens with all the music we listen to. But it strikes me that, in Russell's case, it's particularly easy to claim his music as our own, to view ourselves more than we view him. In part, this is because of the way his work sounds. Even in the best of recordings, you can barely hear him — his voice water-logged and blurry against the melody. His music seems to have been created in fragment. Like breath against you, it's there in the realest sense, but also in the faintest.
In an evaluation by Warner Bros. Music about a demo performance by Russell, an executive at the company, in disparaging terms, points to the weirdness of Russell's music, and the response it asks of us. Scrawled across the sheet:
WB MUSIC
Artist: *Arthur Russell*
Instrumental Performance: *Uneventful .*
Vocal Performance: *This guy's in trouble .*
Material: *Who knows what this guy is up to —— you figure it out ——*
So, you do: figuring it out, filling it in, making your own sense of it. When we hear Russell today, the gaps in his work are all the more vast now that he,too, is absent and we are on our own. There's loads of music theory that says it's only through listening to a piece of music that it gains "completion." Taking this idea at its word, Russell's work — every unheard tape crowding around his apartment — was unfinished until its release. Listening to him now, then, means our finishing things without him, giving him an end in our time.
When I first started listening to Russell, it unsettled me to hear his words coming from nowhere — unpinned from anyone I knew living, unearthed for the first time. *Where did these sounds come from, and when?* I wanted to know. Piecing together the fragments of mirrored sound left behind, I listened for an answer. Once the mirror was whole, its image seemed to belong to me — to now. Before long, I no longer registered Russell's words as his. I would speak his lyrics out suddenly in conversation, as if they had just come to me, as if they were mine.
---
It's hard to know what Russell would think of all of this. He left no directions as to how — let alone if — his music should be shared after his passing. Many say he wouldn't have wanted his stuff out there. (Steve Knutson from Audika Records, who works with Lee to put together the compilations, admits "Arthur probably wouldn't want any music to be released").
Others say he would have invited it openly. It's all conjecture.
But certain things are clear about Russell, his relationship to his music. One of these things: he cared massively about the particular moment of each song,the time and conditions when a track was recorded. He had this one idea that, if you laid a tape transfer at the moment of a full moon, the oxide molecules would align, the sound would be different. In other words: you could hear the moon in the song. To produce *World of Echo*, Russell recorded for three years on nights when there was a full moon, believing the evening would be there, just above the melody.
The more I listen to Russell, the more I find this kind of time — *his* time — appearing everywhere. Focus your ear and, often, you can hear the background of his day blurring into the music: the whir of a blender, the drawl of a fish-tank. So many of Russell's songs are suffused with this sense of time, capturing the world as it was — then, for him.
It seems false, then, to claim Arthur's songs were "ahead of their time," that they were sent as recordings from the future, as constant elegies. Truer to say: these sounds were made by someone years ago, on a night with a full moon. They were complete in their time, long before they came to me in the diner. There is a world staring at us through this music. It is not ours.
With the increasing popularity of posthumous albums, there's been much hand-wringing about their ethics — whether releasing music aligns with the wants of the deceased. To me though, the bigger point seems to be, not whether these records should be shared, but what it looks like to play each song and really listen: to pick up and hear, not our own voice, but the one on the other end of the line.
Russell loved people hearing his work. His perfectionism, his reluctance to release his music, wasn't a product of a hermetic spirit who wanted to horde things to himself. He was known to lurk around the edge of a party when his songs were put on, looking to gauge the size of the crowd brought to the dancefloor, how people moved. Russell took no issue with others listening to his music. He just wanted to be there as they did.
Play "That's Us / Wild Combination" again. Listen. Can you hear it? The white disk, the one he is below, the breath between notes. There is something of Arthur suspended there still, caught in the melody as it arrives. How much better it is to find Russell in his songs — to dance together and not alone. Turn up the volume. There is the moon, full. There is this voice, his.
---
In one of my memories, I'm staying in a small farmhouse in western Massachusetts. I'm there for a dance festival nearby. From where I am, it takes about an hour to bike to the festival grounds, spread through the mountains. By the time I get there, I'm red-faced and late for the show.
Later, after the last performance, some of the dancers and I linger at the open-air restaurant set up for festival attendees. We realize we have some overlapping friends and start talking. The night becomes black, so we leak out to the parking lot where I confess all I have is my bike, and no light, but assure them I would be fine getting home.
They don't have space in their car, but offer, instead, to drive slowly behind me, paving out my way with a milk-white slice of their headlights on blast. They do, and I ride, the world closing off to just this light, everything outside of it pure blackness, save for the slitted stars above.
At one point, I hear a voice calling from the car window. *We're pulling over*. A small lake pools next to the highway, like a fist. The driving dancer — a thin man with a wide back — turns onto the rocks by the shore, leaving the car lights on. Spilling through the doors, the seven of them trip towards the black lake and, quickly, I'm with them, swimming.
Out on a crop of island, we pull ourselves onto the rock. Back on shore, the headlights stretch out towards us. Through the light, I can see a birthmark on the driving dancer's back, as he moves, in the shape of Pangaea. The car radio is still going. Its sounds reach us after the lights do, in the delay across the water. But we hear him. *I just wanna be* — the air hot around us, the eight of us, dancing — *wherever you are*.
And I think that he would be here, if he could. And I think that, in a sense, he is. Looking through the pines, switching on his recorder. Out on the dancefloor, I look up. The night is black. I can hear the moon.
Fiction • Spring 2020
The summer my sister went to war I started digging a hole in our backyard.
Before she left, Annie hugged me real hard and said in her quiet way, Jenna, if you ever need me I’ll be right here. She stomped on the ground with her new brown boots. Okay?
In the ground? I asked her.
No, she said, on the other side.
I stood watching her on the porch, gnats spazzing around my hair, as the car grumbled off into the distance. As soon as the curve of the cornfield swallowed her up, I took off and ran to the shed, taking the biggest, shiniest, sharpest shovel we had and hauling it over to one of Daddy’s off-rotation fields. It took me a while to pick a spot because what if I went to far left and ended up in China or too right and ended up in Paris or even worse I dug right under her and she fell through the big, dark, long tunnel into the nowhere beyond? I decided to dig in smack-dab middle. I was two feet deep by the time Daddy came back with the empty car.











